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Scientists Recreate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

frankpasquine — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:36:24 +0000

A Russian space capsule carrying mice and reptiles spent a month in space for what scientists said was the longest experiment of its kind. The animals returned to Earth Sunday alive and well, but did experience some side effects…

Carrie Underwood To Waste Time Before Each Sunday Night Football Game

frankpasquine — Tue, 07 May 2013 20:28:00 +0000

Sunday Night Football producer, Fred Gaudelli is expected to announce that Carrie Underwood will be the new singer to perform the opening anthem before each televised SNF game. Gaudelli hopes this new rendition will give people enough time to grab a beer and take a leak before anything meaningful appears on the screen.

ARod Resumes Being A D-Bag

frankpasquine — Mon, 06 May 2013 20:06:09 +0000

Alex Rodriguez seen here signing autograph for some nerd for $28 million a year.

Bishop Makes Error But Not That Whole Pedophilia Thing

frankpasquine — Mon, 06 May 2013 16:32:03 +0000

Head of the Diocese of Worcester, Bishop Robert J. McManus, was arrested for driving under the influence this weekend after police stopped him in Narragansett, R.I. McManus admitted, “I made a terrible error in judgment.” Though, he did add, “At least I didn’t do that thing with the kids.”

Chris Christie Raises $6.2 Million For Food

frankpasquine — Mon, 06 May 2013 16:23:19 +0000

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has raised nearly $6.2 million as he seeks a second term in November. Now, with his food budget aside, the governor is confident he will be able to raise money to fund his actual campaign for reelection.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef Suffers From Binger

frankpasquine — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:49:31 +0000

A stunt in which thrill-seeking rebels swallow a tablespoon of dry cinnamon with no water, gag and spew out a cloud of orange dust went viral in 2012, resulting in more than 50,000 YouTube video clips of people attempting the so-called “cinnamon challenge.” At least 30 cases stemming from the challenge required medical attention, including Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s Chef Wendell who suffered a collapsed lung and destroyed his nasal septum after a 3 day cinnamon binge.

Geico Guy Didn’t Save Enough To Avoid Subway Transportation

frankpasquine — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:40:42 +0000

If he saved so much money by switching to Geico, then why is he riding on the 3 train?

Django Forced To Pull Out From China

frankpasquine — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:00:28 +0000

On opening day this Thursday, Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained was forced to pull out from Chinese theaters. According to the China Film Group Corp., Mr. Django was “too beaucoup.”

Mom Expects Normalcy From Grown Man Wearing Cookie Monster Costume

frankpasquine — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 01:44:41 +0000

A costumed Cookie Monster allegedly pushed a 2-year-old child in Times Square and called the kid’s Bollywood star mother a name unfit for “Sesame Street,” according to prosecutors. The event was very startling to the mother, who expected more from the random grown man, wearing a Cookie Monster costume, in the middle of a New York City street.

NASA to Name Dark Matter After 2013 NY Yankees

frankpasquine — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 16:14:35 +0000

NASA is set to unveil the results of a 2 billion dollar experiment meant to prove the existence of dark matter, which is essentially empty space that cannot be accounted for. Scientists intend to name the new discovery the “2013 New York York Yankees.”