Sunday Night Football producer, Fred Gaudelli is expected to announce that Carrie Underwood will be the new singer to perform the opening anthem before each televised SNF game. Gaudelli hopes this new rendition will give people enough time to grab a beer and take a leak before anything meaningful appears on the screen.
Alex Rodriguez seen here signing autograph for some nerd for $28 million a year.
NASA is set to unveil the results of a 2 billion dollar experiment meant to prove the existence of dark matter, which is essentially empty space that cannot be accounted for. Scientists intend to name the new discovery the “2013 New York York Yankees.”
Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice was fired on Wednesday after a videotape aired showing him shoving, grabbing and throwing balls at players and using slurs during practice. Or to put it simply…BEING A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COACH FROM NEW JERSEY.
This Tuesday, Michael Vick decided to cancel breathing. The controversial athlete has had trouble escaping his past, where he was convicted of horrendous acts of murder and violence toward dogs. When you add in his poor performance as the Philadelphia Eagles’ quarterback, it just makes sense.
“The threats against Michael’s life have escalated so much, we just think it’s safest for him to stop breathing all together,” Michael’s agent told CNN. ”We’re hoping the threats will calm down and Michael can hopefully resume breathing at such time.”
Vick was unavailable for comment, as he was passed out on his living room floor.
Former outspoken basketball star, Dennis Rodman, attended an exhibition game in North Korea while sitting court side with Kim Jong Un at an arena filled with dark-uniformed fans. The game involved a combination of three stars of the Harlem Globetrotters and members of North Korea’s “Dream Team.” The final score was a 110-110 tie and only three players were executed after the game.
According to a recent poll, 27 percent of Americans believe that God actually plays a role in determining which team wins a sporting event. In a related poll, God believes those 27 percent of Americans are complete morons.
Former Miami Dolphins Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino fathered a child with a CBS Sports employee and paid her to keep it secret. Supposedly, the deal included a multi-million dollar contract with a no trade clause, and incentives if the child performs well in pre-school.
Superstar baseball players, Alex Rodriguez, Melky Cabrera and Gio Gonzalez have shown up in records from an anti-aging clinic in Miami. While the reports are not confirmed, rumors have swirled of the trio inking a deal to be a part of the sequel to Death Becomes Her.
Pizza Hut is going to give something away if a typical football term or phrase is uttered during the Super Bowl. The phrase is expected to be, “Please don’t kill me, Ray Lewis!”
