Sunday Night Football producer, Fred Gaudelli is expected to announce that Carrie Underwood will be the new singer to perform the opening anthem before each televised SNF game. Gaudelli hopes this new rendition will give people enough time to grab a beer and take a leak before anything meaningful appears on the screen.
On opening day this Thursday, Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained was forced to pull out from Chinese theaters. According to the China Film Group Corp., Mr. Django was “too beaucoup.”
Star Wars creator George Lucas slipped up, stating Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will have roles in Disney’s new Star Wars: Episode VII. According to rumors, Ford will reprise his role of Han Solo, Hamill will come back as Luke Skywalker, and Carrie Fisher will return as Jabba the Hutt.
Trainer and reality star Rebecca Cardon squatted her way through three seasons of Bravo’s series Workout and pushed her way to third place on Amazing Race. But she says that’s nothing compared to her latest challenge – going two months without sex. In related news, former star of the popular sitcom, Married With Children, David Faustino has also sworn off sex – until someone will have sex with him.
Food Network star, Guy Fieri, got into a huff in New Orleans on Super Bowl weekend and was thrown out of a party after being denied entry to its VIP section. The reason he was denied entry? BECAUSE HE’S A GROWN MAN WHO SPIKES HIS DIED BLONDE HAIR!
Pop singer, Beyonce will be singing at this year’s SuperBowl halftime in New Orleans. When asked about the performance, the superstar said she will, “absolutely be singing live” during Sunday’s halftime show…Though, of course, it will be lip-synched.
Controversial singer Chris Brown sent out a tweet to his followers comparing himself to Jesus. With any luck, Brown will soon be dying for his sins.
A team of surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital has performed the hospital’s first successful bilateral arm transplant — giving two new arms to Brendan Marrocco, an Iraq war veteran. The surgery has given the vet an opportunity to play Goro in the upcoming Mortal Kombat movie.
Superstar baseball players, Alex Rodriguez, Melky Cabrera and Gio Gonzalez have shown up in records from an anti-aging clinic in Miami. While the reports are not confirmed, rumors have swirled of the trio inking a deal to be a part of the sequel to Death Becomes Her.
It’s official, J.J. Abrams will direct the next chapter of the “Star Wars” saga in ‘Star Wars Episode VII.’ Abrams hopes the new film will have a strong buildup that will captivate audiences to a level that will never pay off, leaving fans bewildered and extremely disappointed.