McDonald’s is giving Ronald McDonald a makeover in an attempt “to be modern and relevant.” The famous longtime mascot will now have a new wardrobe and will be ignoring customers while texting his friends and “liking” photos on Instagram.
After much contemplation, newly enrolled graduate student, Rick Grable, has decided to major in Life Delay. While the specific program is fairly new to the college that wishes to be anonymous, the foundation from which it was created has been around for some time.
The program consists of a core curriculum of electives, an online bartenders course, and a weekly one-on-one session with a professional psychiatrist.
“I was going to major in business or economics, but I figured they’d just bore me and I don’t even know if that’s what I want to do,” said Grable. “Now that I’ve found the perfect curriculum, I can focus on delaying the inevitable mundane life that awaits me, without having to explain to my ex-girlfriend that this is the best I can do.”
Like most Ivy League colleges, the program steers clear of “grades,” instead relying heavily on attendance and outrageous tuition fees.
“We feel the student should surround himself with a constant state of delay, and should continue his or her studies as long as is financially possible,” says Dean Prager.
Given the instant popularity of the program, the anonymous college is already laying out plans for its Master’s Program.
This past Sunday, millions of members of a 2,000 year old cult, referred to as “The Catholic Church,” remembered their originator’s first man-mission to space. Unlike relatively recent missions to space, the first man’s trip was said to have taken place without use of rockets, spaceships, or vehicles of any kind.
“I just love celebrating this holiday every year,” says Bay Ridge grandmother, Loretta Franco. “It’s a day I teach my family to remember when our creator flew to space. Plus, I love seeing my granddaughter in her cute little pink dress. She’s almost four, she’s so adorable! Let me find you a picture of her…”
While current man-missions to space are all but extinct, it’s hard to imagine how our technology has downgraded from having to use no technology whatsoever to using the current ‘billion dollar rocket method’.
“In order to launch a man into space, we obviously would need to use thousands of gallons of rocket fuel inside a piloted rocket ship traveling at great speeds out of our atmosphere,” said NASA engineer, Greg Hansman. “I’m not sure how a deceased man in a robe was able to accomplish such a feat, especially 2,000 years ago. Who did you say this guy was again?”
While most members of NASA are baffled by such a mission, more than half the nation ignores their obvious skepticism as they’re too preoccupied, focusing on more realistic endeavors like waiting for a giant bunny to provide them with baskets of hand painted hard-boiled eggs.
In a recent online survey, an area man searching for purpose while killing time at his dead end job, discovered that he’s most closely comparable to an iconic character that you and I have heard of – thanks to a simple algorithm created by a reasonably average computer programmer. The character isn’t necessarily someone that we see on a day to day basis, but he or she is definitely someone that we’ve seen on a screen at some point in time.
It’s not certain whether it was a television show or classic film…or maybe he or she was from a novel? Nevertheless, this recent discovery has sparked almost fifteen minutes of temporary joy for the man, providing him with the ability to share the news with close to 200 friends via social media.
“It’s so funny, because I always thought of myself as another similar character, but not this specific character,” said the man, sipping his second large coffee of the morning. “I wonder if other people see me as this character as opposed to the one I was thinking of.”
While no one has “liked” or commented on the newsflash, the man expects his closest friends have, at the very least, read the news and perhaps even filled out the survey themselves, so that they too can have this brief moment of sedated enthusiasm.
After surveying the masses at this past weekend’s Week 1 of the annual music festival, Coachella, it has been concluded that there is not one actual fan of music at the entire event. Not one. The results were found upon basic testing, which included naming a few of the bands in the lineup, knowing a verse from any of the songs played, or owning (or even having downloaded illegally) one song of any particular band on the lineup.
Given the nature and popularity of the event notorious for its musical talents, it’s hard to fathom that not one attendee has even the slightest appreciation for music.
“This is the most fun I’ve ever had,” said an attractive 20-something female, sporting a headband of feathers and Ray-Bans. “I’ve been getting like over 100 likes on all my Instagram posts. I bet this is exactly what people felt like at Woodstock.”
As Week 2 of the event begins this weekend, further research is underway as to whether or not anyone at the festival has an actual, real job.
Good news in Colorado today after the state announced it made roughly $2 million in marijuana taxes this January. The bad news: the state is owed nearly $30 million in marijuana taxes, but buyers just can’t seem to remember to pay their taxes.
A Canadian brewing company plans on launching a new beer designed specifically for post-workout. The brewing company hopes the new beer will increase the odds of waking up to a regretful one-night stand who is not an overweight slob.