Area Man Comparable to Iconic Character Thanks to Simple Algorithm

area man surveyIn a recent online survey, an area man searching for purpose while killing time at his dead end job, discovered that he’s most closely comparable to an iconic character that you and I have heard of – thanks to a simple algorithm created by a reasonably average computer programmer. The character isn’t necessarily someone that we see on a day to day basis, but he or she is definitely someone that we’ve seen on a screen at some point in time.

It’s not certain whether it was a television show or classic film…or maybe he or she was from a novel? Nevertheless, this recent discovery has sparked almost fifteen minutes of temporary joy for the man, providing him with the ability to share the news with close to 200 friends via social media.

“It’s so funny, because I always thought of myself as another similar character, but not this specific character,” said the man, sipping his second large coffee of the morning. “I wonder if other people see me as this character as opposed to the one I was thinking of.”

While no one has “liked” or commented on the newsflash, the man expects his closest friends have, at the very least, read the news and perhaps even filled out the survey themselves, so that they too can have this brief moment of sedated enthusiasm.

Research Proves Not One Actual Fan of Music at Coachella

coachella

After surveying the masses at this past weekend’s Week 1 of the annual music festival, Coachella, it has been concluded that there is not one actual fan of music at the entire event. Not one. The results were found upon basic testing, which included naming a few of the bands in the lineup, knowing a verse from any of the songs played, or owning (or even having downloaded illegally) one song of any particular band on the lineup.

Given the nature and popularity of the event notorious for its musical talents, it’s hard to fathom that not one attendee has even the slightest appreciation for music.

“This is the most fun I’ve ever had,” said an attractive 20-something female, sporting a headband of feathers and Ray-Bans. “I’ve been getting like over 100 likes on all my Instagram posts. I bet this is exactly what people felt like at Woodstock.”

As Week 2 of the event begins this weekend, further research is underway as to whether or not anyone at the festival has an actual, real job.

 

David Ortiz Wants Gay Teammate

David Ortiz

According to the Boston Herald, All-Star Boston Red Sox slugger, David Ortiz admits he’d like to play with gay teammates. “It doesn’t matter where you come from, what color you are, or coming out and what he [Jason Collins] said,” said Ortiz. “I’m fine with that.” In fact, Ortiz is so adamant about his willingness to play with other gay teammates that he has agreed to a one-year contract with the New York Mets.